82: Argumentation
[Qur’an 2:204]
Successful Human Relations arise essentially from the art of dealing with others …
- effectively (that which works)
- with propriety (that which is most proper).
Human beings interact mostly through verbal communication which entails the ability to express and convey ideas, opinions, disappointments, agreements, disagreements, emotions, aspirations …
Some Modes of Verbal Interaction
Conversation = the use of speech for informal exchange of views or ideas or information
Discussion = speak with others about some matter/issue
Debate = a discussion in which reasons are advanced for and against some proposition or proposal / discuss the pros and cons of an issue (one can debate with one’s self)
Dispute = have a disagreement over something
Quarrel = angry dispute
Argument= expressing of disagreements that may lead to contentious speech where differences are often aired in a confrontational manner.
Kinds of Arguments
Arguments occur when there is a difference of opinion on a subject; in other words, you have to have two different sides of a subject to argue. If everyone agrees, there is no argument. There are two basic kinds of arguments: persuasive and logical.
- Persuasive arguments appeal to the reader's emotions, either consciously or subconsciously in an attempt to sway the person. It is common here that people disagree about some subject, raise their voices and make the discussion personal by bringing in the other person's intentions or shortcomings. It could be highly emotional.
- Logical arguments appeals to the mind and a rational method is employed to influence thinking. Debates generally can be described as a structured discussion where individuals cite evidence about an issue in an attempt to persuade another person and is an intellectual process.
Many people seem unable to distinguish between the two and perceive every difference of opinion as an attack on them. Perceptions are tricky things. One person may simply be debating or discussing a subject intellectually with no intent to harm. The other person may perceive such communication as intending to harm them and they feel as if they are in a fight with a need to defend themselves instead of their point of view!
Common Failing in Human Relations
Among the most common failings in human relations is how some people attempt to increase their own feelings of self-worth by undermining the self-esteem of others.
- Though we should speak the truth even if it is bitter, we should never be vulgar in the content nor abusive in the manner of our speech. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said: “The Believer is never one who taunts, nor one who curses, is neither indecent nor abusive.”
- Argumentative communicators need to be right. They want to defeat their opponent. Imam Ghazali said that the argumentative quarreler makes cutting remarks about his detractor, puts down what he says and shows contempt for his intelligence, expressing superiority over him.
- We often take possession of our ideas as if they were our identity. If people's ideas and verbalized thoughts are always experienced at the level of one's identity, then all debate will become perceived as fighting or arguing. Argument, as usually managed, is the worst sort of conversation. [writer, Jonathan Swift ] Therefore, when this pattern of communication erupts it's important to separate the idea from the person.
Art of Convincing
We often take possession of our ideas as if they were our identity. If people's ideas and verbalized thoughts are always experienced at the level of one's identity, then all debate will become perceived as fighting or arguing. Therefore, when this pattern of communication erupts it's important to separate the idea from the person.
- In the event of disagreement/debating, the focus should not be on arguing, but on persuading. Human nature is not to be coerced but persuaded and we shall persuade her by satisfying the necessary needs provided they are not going to be injurious. [Ancient Greek Philosopher, Epicurus]
- Ensure that you know what you are arguing about. The first duty of a wise advocate is to convince his opponents that he understands their arguments. [Samuel Taylor Coleridge]
- Be prepared to … listen, reflect, be calm, be honest and respectful. We are instructed that even in matters as dear as issues of faith, to engage in discussion/argumentation only in the best possible manner. [Qur'an 29:46]
- “Speak to people according to their understanding” [Prophet Muhammad]
- Do not have a holier-than-thou attitude, a know-it-all attitude; rather be fact/truth oriented. Sayidna ‘Ali advised, "do not become obstinate regarding your opinion, for whosoever becomes obstinate like that is prone to destruction."
- Verbalize, do not vulgarize. "If you go in for argument, take care of your temper. Your logic, if you have any, will take care of itself." [economist, Joseph Farrell] Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) cautioned that one of the marks of blatant hypocrisy is being abusive when challenged.
Am I Argumentative?
I want to learn how to handle people who are always arguing, but how do I cure myself if I am are one of the culprits?
- Are you constantly offering your opposing opinion when it is not asked for? "The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.” [19th century British writer, Dorothy Nevill]
- Do you speak even when you have nothing to say? "Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact." [author, George Eliot] "In general those who have nothing to say contrive to spend the longest time in doing it." [J. R. Lowell]
- Do you find yourself saying the word "but" often in your conversation with others?
- Do you really have a point? "The difficult part in an argument is not to defend one's opinion, but rather to know it." [author, André Maurois]
Try the Following
- Remember, you don't have to attend every argument you are invited to
- Ask more questions and do not assume you have all the answers.
- Be interested in how the other people in your life came to believe and think what they think.
- Be aware that not everyone perceives discussion, debate, arguing and fighting in the same way. Find out what those important to you believe about each of these things.
- Always think of your intention. If your intention is gentle. Speak more quietly. People associate quieter tones with gentler intentions.
Avoid Argumentation as far as possible
Imam Malik is reported to have said, "I have not seen anything more harmful to religion, more undermining to one’s sense of honor and more unnecessary in pre-occupying our feelings than disputes/argumentation."
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said, "People do not go astray after being on the right path until they start falling into argumentation." The Qur’an makes reference to such disputers who pre-occupy themselves with arguments." [Qur'an 43:58]
We reiterate that among the most common failings in human relations is how some people attempt to increase their own feelings of self-worth by undermining the self-esteem of others. Imam Shaf'ie said: "I never argue with someone aiming to undermine or humiliate, I rather pray that Allah puts the truth on our tongues and if he be right that I follow him, and if I be right that he follows me.”
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) is reported to have warned, "The most disliked of people are those most argumentative."