Assertiveness ~ An Islamic Perspective (Part 1)
[Qur'an 33:70]
Ask yourself ...
- Am I incapable of communicating my thoughts, feelings and beliefs in a direct and honest way?
- Am I unable to express my discontent with friends or partners even when I believe I am justified?
- Does it seem that I am always going with the flow and that others often ignore my opinions or suggestions?
- Does it often happen that others coerce me in to thinking/doing things their way?
- Do I find myself saying "yes" to others when I actually feel like saying "no"?
- Is it difficult for me to convey my positive or negative feelings openly? (e.g. Do I find it difficult to express/receive a compliment or express/receive criticism?)
- Do I habitually lose control or become angry with those who do not warrant it? (e.g. having a problem with my boss at work and then venting my frustration on my family at home).
Need for Emotional Wisdom
The fact that we are human, that we are emotive, that we are social and that we communicate with others in clearly understood language; demands that we exercise emotional wisdom at the highest level.
The basis of Emotional Wisdom is ...
- understanding our emotions and dealing with them effectively
- equanimity => the capacity to experience the inescapable ups and downs of life without being thrown into uncontrollable emotional states. The Qur'an [22:11] [89:15-16] emphasizes the importance of maintaining a balanced disposition in times of celebration and in times of tribulation.
Emotional wisdom is essential in dealing with all our sentiments, and is indispensable when dealing with crucial and especially confrontational situations. It determines the response we choose in any given situation.
Choice of Behavioral Responses
In any given situation, especially a confrontational one, there are three basic ways one can respond ...
- Reacting inappropriately (aggressive)
- Not reacting at all (passive)
- Reacting appropriately (assertive)
These three ways in which we conduct ourselves, play a tremendous role in the final outcome of the situation we find ourselves in.
- Aggressiveness ~ displaying our displeasure with the situation by directly expressing our
feelings and articulating our rights, but in a hostile/ antagonistic manner.
Consequence of Aggressiveness- choice of words rarely appropriate
- emotions not always under full control
- may display a lack of respect
- may anger/hurt the other
- other person(s) may feel devalued/humiliated
- negative effect on relationship
- may lead to guilt and embarrassment
- often worsens rather than resolves situation
Aggressive people may feel they are on top of situations because their expressions/actions seem to overwhelm others, but tend to rarely have many friends and are often disliked. Aggressiveness has an element of anger/destructiveness in it and is therefore not conducive to good, pleasant, harmonious social relationships.
Consider ...
"How much more grievous are the results of anger than the causes of it." [Marcus Aurelius, leader in ancient Rome]
and
"When anger rises, think of the consequences." [Confucius]
Aggressive behavior is saying/doing/getting what you wish with no regard for the dignity/respect of others.
- Non-Assertiveness ~ a passive way of dealing with confrontational situations that traps our
thoughts and feelings within ourselves, often letting others decide / determine our affairs.
Consequence of Passivity- there is no direct response to situation
- your opinion/feeling stays unexpressed
- expressed views supercedes unexpressed
- others have more control over you
- deficient respect for own needs
- lack of confidence in yourself
- communicates message of inferiority
Note that unexpressed emotions lead to frustration, misplaced anger, feelings of helplessness, loneliness, stress and mental/emotional imbalance.
Non-Assertive behavior allows others to have more rights over our lives than respect we have for ourselves.
Labor activist, Ceasar Chavez said: "What is at stake is human dignity. If a person is not accorded respect he can not respect himself and if he does not respect himself he can not demand it."
- Assertiveness is ...
- The ability to express your thoughts, your feelings and articulating your rights without violating the rights of others
- Active, appropriate, direct, open and honest communication which is clear, expressive and self-enhancing
- Understanding, analyzing, reflecting and responding to situations in a manner that could effectively influence how others deal with us; and keeping lines of communication open between differing sides.
- Assertiveness in communication and social relationships involves openness, honesty, decisiveness; all with appropriateness, dignity and flexibility.
Consequence of Assertiveness- there is direct and calculated response to situation
- your opinion/feeling is expressed
- your rights are articulated
- you exercise control over yourself
- maintain respect for your self
- display self-confidence & equanimity
- communicates message of equality
Assertiveness implies maintaining full Respect
People are born honorable and Allah confirms Wa laqadd karramna banee aadam the honorability of the human being in the Qur'an. We have two basic socio-ethical responsibilities that maintain our honorability ...- Showing Respect to others => Respectfulness
- Being worthy of respect => Respectability
The notion of honorability and respect is integral to the Islamic way of life, so whether it be parent, child, spouse or friend; all relationships require the element of respect. The Prophet (pbuh) said that the better neighbor is one who is the best to his neighbor, that the best of friends are those who are best to their friends, and that the best of spouses are those most respectful to their partner. Respectfulness and respectability both require self-respect.
Assertiveness is reflected in respecting the rights, opinions and feelings of others and ourselves without allowing either to disrespect the other.