Resolving Conflict (Part 1) ~ Problem-solving in Close Relationships
Reconciliation is good
[Qur'an 4:128]
The way we relate to people, significantly affects how we live as social beings, and greatly determines the quality of communal life we experience. The fact that Islam emphasizes mu'amalah (social relations) as an essential component of the deen (Islamic way of life) clearly indicates the significance of relationships in human existence.
Being Sociable
A cardinal principle in the equation of human relationships is that all members of every human community should learn to care deeply about themselves and about other members of the community, as well as to act in ways that are supportive of the vital interests of all. Wise ones have said that among the most important ingredients in the formula for a successful and fulfilling life is knowing how to get along with people.
Requirements for Fruitful Relationships
Do not expect to find perfection in others that you don't find in yourself. Recognize the fact that others are others, they are not you. They are who they are. "Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be." Theologian & Writer, Thomas A. Kempis]
- Good relationships are based on people ...
- respecting each other (not insulting or humiliating each other)
- being supportive and conciliatory (rather than confrontational)
- communicating honestly and openly (not lying and deceiving)
- willing to listen to more than their own side (not stubborn or close-minded)
- working as a team (not as adversaries)
- negotiating (rather than imposing)
- sharing responsibilities (rather than burdening)
- complementing and appreciating (not criticizing and blaming)
- In the event of conflict or problems arising ...
- maintain respect
- talk, don't run
- stick to the current issue and do not bring up the past
- think in terms of "we", not "me"
- control your self, not your partner
- neither shame nor affix blame
- work towards resolution rather than dissolution
Conflict is Inevitable
People are individuals; individuals with differing backgrounds, differing interests leading to differences in perspective, differences in understanding and naturally to agreements, and at times, disagreements. Disagreements are quite normal and somewhat natural. How we are able to understand and handle those differences will determine whether we let our disagreements escalate into conflict or not.
Conflicts ~ Inter-personal, Supra-personal & Intra-personal
Though we are primarily focusing on resolving conflict in inter-personal (one-on-one) relationship:
- Supra-personal conflict - This stems from political, economic, national / cultural, religious or sectarian clashes of interests or values, where individuals become embroiled due to their partisanship.
- Intra-personal conflict ~ Without a clear sense of your personal principles and priorities, it is most difficult, if not improbable, for an honest person to be without internal conflict. The internal dimension of the self is most vital in determining who you really are, what you would really like to do, what you are capable of doing and what you are actually prepared to do. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) is reported to have said, "Successful indeed is the person who is sincere in faith, whose heart is pure, whose speech is truthful and whose character is upright." When the best of your internal dimension finds practical expression outwardly, then, and only then, are you capable of reaching your full potential as a practical human being at peace with your self. "It's surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you're not comfortable within yourself, you can't be comfortable with others." [Columnist, Sydney J. Harris]
Just as you cannot expect to achieve new goals or move beyond your present circumstances unless you change, you
cannot improve any situation or resolve any conflict unless you address the issue at hand. If one is personally
involved in the conflict, it is wise to reflect and introspect; to realize one's role in the conflict , as well as
one's task in resolving the conflict.